Being a Coach Transformed My Parenting

A few months ago, I had one of the most meaningful conversations I’ve ever had with my son. He’d just finished his first semester in college and we were on the beach in Kauai. He was sharing a lot—more than usual—about his first semester. He’s very interested in ethics and philosophy (although he’s a biomedical engineering and neuroscience major) so I thought I’d ask him about his values. He’d also mentioned having done an activity in his leadership program about what made him who he is (“Mom made me who I am,” he’d said, 🙂). 

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I asked, “What do you think your three top core values are?” 

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He said, “I have only one value. It’s love.” 

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I didn’t want to insist that he have three, because how can you top love? So I said, “How do you live that value on a daily basis?” 

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His response was so thoughtful. It included the story he tells himself about other people’s actions when he disagrees with them and how he thinks about his life’s purpose. Then he got quiet and said, “I think I do have three core values: Love, courage, and discipline.”

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“What do those mean to you?” I asked. “There are many different definitions of courage,” I added. 

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We talked for hours and I learned so much about my child. I also felt incredibly proud of him, as you might imagine. The questions I asked him are ones I’d been crafting for my forthcoming book (I was deep in the writing process at that time) and so they were fresh on my mind. 

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Here are those questions—for you to reflect on, or to ask your clients, or to share with someone you love and want to know better: 

• Tell me about your process for determining your core values. What insights did you get into yourself in your exploration of your values? 
• Tell me about a time when you lived into a core value. What did it look like?
• How do you feel when you recognize that you’re enacting a core value? How do you register those emotions? Do you notice sensations in your body or specific thoughts?
• Tell me about a time when you didn’t demonstrate one of your core values, but in retrospect, you wish you had. What do you think prevented you from enacting it? If you could go back in time and do it over, what would you do differently? 
• How can I help you live into your core values? 

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I became a coach the year my son was born, and I’m so grateful for this skillset. I know it’s contributed to the relationship we have. 

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You can also grab your free copy of our Core Values exercise here.