Who do you find hardest to listen to?

Who do you find hardest to listen to? 

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In my newest book, Arise: The Art of Transformational Coaching (July 2024), there is a portion about listening, how we listen, and what it takes for us to listen deeply. 

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I had a new insight. I realized that I feel confident in my ability to listen to others, but I have the hardest time listening to myself. Listening to myself requires listening to all my parts. It means I have to accept what I hear myself saying. It means I have to hear my needs and desires. It means I have to be kind to myself. But I’m often the last person I want to listen to. I don’t like to hear my needs and desires. 

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The book I linked above, No Bad Parts, has been a game-changer for how I relate to myself. It’s a therapeutic approach (called Internal Family Systems, or IFS) that says that we have all these parts of ourselves, and sometimes they can be in conflict with each other. I have a part that wants to go, go, go—write! Present! Travel! And another part that wants to curl up with a novel and nap. IFS has a bunch of strategies for how to understand these parts and reconcile with them. It’s a simple, powerful approach that I’ve found super helpful. 

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I’ve decided I’ll try listening to different parts of myself. I can start with those that’ll be easier to hear. The parts that I’ve ignored are the ones that’ll probably be harder to take. I’ll give them boundaries—Ok, you’ve got 3 minutes. What do you want me to hear? And I’ll apply the strategies I write about in Arise. 

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For example, I have the skills to listen deeply, so what is my gap?  

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I’m afraid of what I’ll hear. So, this is an emotional intelligence gap. Equipped with this knowledge, I’m confident in my ability to move forward. 

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What do you need in order to be able to listen deeply? What conversations–with yourself or others–do you struggle with?

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